Journal 4

Of all places to read about a friend passing away, I find out on Facebook. My mind instantly converts to age 17. During that year I lost three of my close friends. I am assaulted by my own grief and feel as if again, I am that other person I once became. A Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde effect. It took an eternity to overcome the pain caused by their deaths and here it is again, punching me in the face. My body shuts down as I imagine the scene over and again. Interchanging flashes of car crashes, funerals and obituaries speed through my mind, which has now eclipsed all other functions, including the ability to hold back tears. My husband enters the room and speaks but I can't understand a word he is saying. I can't even look away from the computer screen. I frantically search for words to describe what has happened, but am at a loss. I silently scroll up on the screen to a headline, 'Orland Man Killed...' I can't make it passed these three words. Man? I can't imagine him as a man. Isn't he still that kid that was a grade below me? I file through my images of him and realize the last time I saw him was over two years ago. Now that I really wrap my head around it, I suppose he was a man, but that doesn't make it any easier to swallow. I tear my eyes away from the screen for a split second and see the look on my husbands face. He is really concerned now, but I still can't force anything out of my mouth. I point to the headline, he takes a moment to read it, then starts with the questions. I am almost offended. Doesn't he know that I am paralyzed with heartache? Can't he understand that I am not myself and the person I have become does not have time for his petty questions? I have become bigger than anything he could possibly bring to the table right now. So he sits down next to me, but I still can't even look at him. Then he hugs me. At first I am adverse to this gesture of comfort, but soon I accept it and melt into his arms. His embrace is like the antidote. It jump starts my body and I am no longer impaired. It baffles me that a mere touch can be as life-changing. It's as though he has lifted this monumental weight off of my chest and I can breathe again. My thoughts are still of this tragedy, but I can now make sense of it. I am back in reality and begin to answer his questions.